In 2016, I was newly sober and happily working as a high school principal. I was rediscovering my love for writing and began submitting articles to outlets in hopes of publication, not really thinking anything of it. It was during that time that I came to work on a Monday greeted by devastating news: one of my best friends and co-workers had died by mental health. I also received an email the same day letting me know that my first article would go live on the main page of the HuffPost.

The polarity of grief and elation was tangled and sharp. I couldn’t focus. I felt like I was trying to run in a swimming pool. But it was the beginning of my commitment and mission to do whatever I could to increase awareness around mental health.

I never anticipated that I would become an accidental entrepreneur, but in the months that followed that fateful day I knew I needed to make my mess my message. In 2017, I launched Patterson Perspective Inc., with a mission of delivering academic and mental wellness support for students, educators, young adults, private corporations, municipalities, school districts and states.

Burnout and the Hero Complex

For years, I hammered away, people pleasing my way from project to project with little regard for my limitations and sense of self. And it wasn’t serving the long game. One of my favorite things to do is people please. I’m very good at it, and always end up so angry at the person I’m putting above my own internal boundaries despite the fact that they NEVER asked or implied that I do so. The pattern went like this: insecurity —> people pleasing —> resentment, repeat. What began as an altruistic duty to serve my community somehow turned into a dark need to save everyone. When times were calm and mundane, I found myself questioning my value. What was my value-add when times of crisis were gone?

In September of 2023, I entered an outpatient program for severe depression and fatigue. When my therapist asked why I had exhausted myself to the point of hospitalization, I said, “I’m an empath, I guess.” To which she boldly and accurately replied, “People aren’t empaths; they’re people pleasers with no boundaries.” My ego was angry, but my soul knew it was true. 

Burnout, like the one that nearly killed me, was the result of using the validation of others to feed my sense of self-worth. Hero complex, let’s call it. Being the person people called in times of crisis, both within education and in my personal life, was exhilarating. I was doing something good for the world and something, I thought, to heal my childhood trauma. But there’s a fine line between doing so out of altruistic intentions and subtle validation seeking. I’m working on it. And part of that is remembering that “no” is a complete sentence. 

Through intense work and self-discovery, I understand the desire to help others (even at the expense of my mental health) was avoidance. Avoidance of my daily anxiety. Of my fear of rejection. And of my need to feel valued and loved.

Five Ways to Combat Burnout

Today, my boundaries are much more proactive. Installed to protect my peace and mental health. Are they perfect? Nope. Absolute? Nah. But they’re so much healthier than they used to be.

Here are five ways I keep my obsession with worry in check:

1. Keep a journal in my nightstand. I never read it after I write in it — but if it’s keeping me up, this has proven to be more effective than scrolling the ‘Gram.
2. Take worry walks. When I’m on one, I can worry to my heart’s content. Like catastrophic scale worrying. And when I’m done, that’s the limit — on to other uses of my emotional equity.
3. Guard my empathy. Not to sound cold, but too much focus on others’ problems (aside from my core circle) is a great way to drain my own energy. And with three kids, work, marriage and life, it’s something to be guarded. Sure, helping others is a huge part of my life and work, but it has limits in place.
4. Practicing acceptance. I’ve had to learn the hard way that I don’t get to feel well or happy all the time. Nor will my depressive dips or sadness last. Instead of assigning meaning to my emotions, I focus on noticing them and allowing them to exist in their micro lifecycle.
5. I ingrain service into my life. Getting out of my own life, my own problems, my own sense of self-importance is not only healthy, but it’s requisite. Coaching a team, or stocking food at the food bank or dropping some flowers to my 93-year-old neighbor Betty — it’s all part of the larger theme of getting out of my own life and head.
   
   

A Call to Action: Connection and Change

I’ve learned that you can’t:

• Out-help your hurt
• Out-work worries
• Out-post your Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
• Out-earn your envy

The only way through is through. Depression rates in adults ages 30-44 increased from 22.3% in 2017 to 34.9% in 2023. Employers offer programs that many employees simply don’t use. As in less than 6% use them. And almost 50% don’t even know they exist. Why? We have over intellectualized a problem that simply can’t be solved with a free therapy session or a laminated sign in the break room.

People need to feel understood. They need to feel seen. They need to feel less alone.

How do we do this? Crank up the human connection and pump the breaks on box-checking PowerPoint presentations. Incentivize mental wellness like we do with free gym memberships. Utilize mentorship that has zero to do with the bottom line or the latest software. Seek help. Recovery is a team sport. Keep going. 

Do I still help people? I do. I do it with a measure and cadence that is authentic and healthy. So, to my reader, my wish for you is healing. Treat your wounds. Confront those avoided pain points. Step into your balanced power -- one that heeds the calls of your internal needs and the world around you. 

Daniel Patterson has over 20 years of experience in education, having taught, coached and served as a high school administrator and director of education. He regularly speaks and consults nationally regarding student and educator wellness, and is the director of education for two college recovery programs, owner of two companies and author of The Assertive Parent (2018) and RECOVER[edu] (2020).